When Akatsuki met the Death Eaters
by ScarletIcegrl
Summary: When Kakuzu- san brought home a worn out wooden cabinet, our favorite S-ran criminals went on an adventure to a magical world... and no, it wasn't Disneyland. Rated T for Hidan's brilliant speaking ability, Deidara's fleeting terrorism, Kakuzu's violent urge to rip everyone apart, Itachi's Sharingan LaLa Land torture and Voldemort's whining. Read at your own risk.
1. The Magical Cabinet

**_DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, I do not own Akatsuki or the Death Eaters no matter how much I wish for it._**

 _Knock. Knock._

"What is this, un?"

"What does it look like brat? It's a cabinet."

"But why is it here, hmm? And what is that scroll for?"

"Don't touch the scroll if you don't want Kakuzu to rip you a new one."

The blonde shinobi immediately pulled back his hand. But the young shinobi hadn't had enough of questioning his partner.

"Say danna, why would that greedy zombie buy this useless cabinet and a scroll?"

Sasori looked up from the puppet he was mending. The brat did make sense. The cabinet in question, was made of old wood that the puppet master would never use in making his prized puppets. The handle on its door was made up of brass that needed cleaning. The cabinet itself was dusty, the wood chipping off and looked like a waste of space. Unless Kakuzu wanted to lock his loud, foul-mouthed partner inside, the shoe box cabinet didn't seem to have any other significant use.

Deidara was still checking out the box when the treasurer of the Akatsuki cleared his throat at the door.

The blonde jumped away from the box and gave Kakuzu a sheepish grin.

"Hey, Kakuzu senpai, un!"

Kakuzu ignored the chirpy blonde like he always did and walked towards the cabinet. He reached out for the scroll, two pairs of curious eyes watching him (one subtly and the other not so much). He opened the scroll in a timely fashion, something that irked Sasori, and smirked as Deidara fell face first on the floor trying to crane his neck. The bomber groaned, the puppet master snorted and the money lover smiled evilly.

"What is that, un?" Deidara, who had finally picked himself up, asked.

Kakuzu didn't hear him or ignored him like he always did. He went on reading the scroll while ignoring the blonde's groans and whining.

Finally, he rolled the scroll back to its original form, pocketed it and walked out the room as if the past fifteen minutes never happened.

But before Kakuzu left the room, he did say these words:

"Don't enter the cabinet."

Now Deidara could rival a certain blonde leaf shinobi when it came to rebelling against the rules they _need_ to follow. Deidara had an evil smile, not as sinister as Kakuzu's but evil nonetheless, as he eyed the wooden cabinet.

"Don't even think about it brat."

Sasori, who spent half of his time on his puppets and his entire time with his bomber partner, knew enough (or had seen enough) to advise Deidara against whatever he was scheming.

"I wasn't think-"

"You had that creepy smile."

"No I-"

"Yes you did."

"Hey now-"

"Shut up, brat. Go out this room and blow something up."

Deidara narrowed his eyes and was about to question the puppeteer when the latter added.

"Anything that doesn't belong to me, Kakuzu, Itachi, Kisame, Zetsu, Leader-sama or Konan."

"So I can blow up Hidan?"

"He belongs to Kakuzu."

The blonde rolled his eyes but walked out the room. Sasori sighed. He would have to keep a better eye on the blonde.

Itachi was sitting at his desk, sipping coffee and reading a book on fishes. Kisame was sitting in one corner, talking to Samahada because that is what one does when they have a silent partner like the Sharingan user.

Their peace was disturbed by a deafening blast. It wasn't hard to predict who was responsible but curiosity peaked in the two shinobis to know who the target-

"FUCK YOU! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, YOU FUCKING BLONDIE?"

Yeah. Nevermind.

Itachi rolled his eyes and went back to his reading while Kisame chuckled. Sometimes he wished for a partner like Deidara and Hidan who talked and blabbered and acted like human beings. But he immediately dismissed the idea when he saw the irritated looks on their partners face. Still, he wished for a partner who would at least talk normally.

Another loud crash, a few swear words and Itachi snapped his book shut. Kisame gulped as the Uchiha now had his sharingan activated.

 _Run Hidan. Run Deidara._ The shark man thought as his partner led himself out the door.

Following quickly behind, Kisame saw the living room of the base was totally destroyed. He also noted that Hidan's room didn't have a door and there was white smoke emerging from the room.

"What is going on here?"

Hidan and Deidara stopped their shenanigans and turned to the speaker. Now the room accommodated the partners of the respective ninjas.

"This fucking blondie disturbed my fucking ritual! I'll fucking sacrifice his fucking ass!"

Hidan pointed at Deidara because that is what a grown up shinobi does in the presence of a pissed off Uchiha and a zombie partner.

Deidara growled. "Sasori no danna told me I could blow up anything. I didn't know you were in that room doing your fucking rituals, un!"

"I told you not to blow the belongings of myself, Kakuzu, Itachi, Kisame, Zetsu, Leader-sama or Konan. Get your information correct brat." Sasori glared at Deidara.

Deidara jumped up like a whiny toddler and angrily pointed at the door. "I blew the door, un!"

"That door belongs to Hidan's room which is in the base which is paid for by Kakuzu. Hence it was Kakuzu's possession."

Deidara went on to speak but was silenced by Itachi's Sharingan glare.

Kakuzu chuckled. Itachi's sharingan vanished as he turned to look at the zombie. All of them did. His chuckle wasn't out of amusement. It was dark, sinister.

"The two of you will pay for the damages."

Hidan and Deidara gulped.

"Come with me."

Kakuzu led them to the room where the box laid. Kakuzu was grinning behind his mask. He had finally found the "test subjects" (hopefully he didn't sound like Orochimaru). He was hoping the blonde would go against his warnings but Sasori drained out his original plan. But Deidara managed to land himself back into the little trap Kakuzu was weaving. He even managed to drag Hidan into it.

Hidan and Deidara both knew they had a choice. Do as Kakuzu says or face Leader- sama. Both would do as Kakuzu says any day over facing a pissed off Pein. And Konan who had actually put effort in decorating the living room.

Itachi, Kisame and Sasori followed the trio, curious as to what punishment Kakuzu would serve the two. Sasori's suspicion grew stronger as Kakuzu pulled out the scroll from earlier and opened it.

"Get in the box."

Deidara's eyes widened. He looked at Sasori for help. The latter just shrugged as he grew as curious as his puppet cat that no one knew about.

Kakuzu grew impatient. "Get in." He growled.

The blonde and the loud mouth jumped in, fearing the rage of the Taki nin.

Kakuzu smiled as the two sweated and closed the door.

"Now, off you go on an adventure."

He performed some hand signs and slammed his right hand on the open scroll.

Itachi waited. Kisame waited. Sasori waited. Kakuzu swore that if it didn't work, he would rip the ninja ,who sold him the box with promises of it working, and sew him back together only to rip him off again. Kakuzu never spend his money on worthless stuff.

He rose from his knees and opened the door of the cabinet.

Itachi gasped. Kisame gasped. Sasori ga- narrowed his eyes at the now giggling zombie.

"What did you do?"

Never had he been so happy about spending his bounty money.


	2. Art is a Bang (Duh!)

**Disclaimer: If I owned Akatsuki, I swear I would share them with you. And the Death Eaters too. But I don't. *sigh***

* * *

It was Christmas and Draco was stuck fixing the god damned cabinet. He had thought he got rid of it for the time being but no. Sadistic and cruel Lord Voldemort had brought the cabinet in the Malfoy Manor from Borgin and Brukes. He had given the creepiest 'smile' he could muster and had ordered Draco to fix the second cabinet. The punishment was an extra dose of the Cruciatus Curse.

So while the rest of the Death Eaters enjoyed the Christmas delights (and his aunt, Bellatrix had gone on a little hunting spree to the Weasley's place), Draco was stuck in the basement with the cabinet.

The young Malfoy cursed bitterly under his breath as he heard the other Death Eaters enjoying themselves. He reached out to the brass handle and tapped it gently with his wand, muttering incantations.

 _Crack._

Draco halted. Someone or something had been teleported.

"Get off me, un!"

Draco's eyes widened. A _human_.

"Shut the fuck up bitch! I am fucking stuck!"

Scratch that, _two humans!_

Draco took a step back when suddenly the cabinet door opened.

Out fell two people, one with the same coloured hair as his father and another with long blonde hair. The two figures groaned and stood up, one cursing the other whining. The cursing one with the white hair had striking purple eyes and a paler complexion, Draco noticed. The blonde had his bangs covering one of his eye and looked very feminine.

The blonde one recovered quickly as he picked himself up from the ground, groaning and muttering under his breath. Once up, he saw Draco and stopped muttering. Instead, he stared at Draco.

They both stared at each other, ignoring the cursing from the paler man. Draco blinked.

The blonde smirked. He raised his right hand.

"I win, un."

There was a mouth in the hand.

Draco felt dizzy. The blonde was waving his hand, or mouth, or the mouthed hand... whatever it was, in front of Draco. There was mouth in his hand... Draco saw black and finally fell on the floor with a loud thump.

"Is he dead, un?"

The other man squinted at the boy on the floor. "He fucking shouldn't be! Who the fuck will tell us where the fuck are we?"

The blonde man poked the boy. "I think he just fainted, un."

The other man snickered. "You are so fucking ugly that that dumb shit fucking fainted."

The blonde glared at the snickering man. He pulled out a small amount of clay from his pouch and moulded it into a small spider. He quietly threw it under the pale man, who was oblivious and still snickering at his poor attempt at insult.

"Katsu!"

The room above the basement where all those bastard Death Eaters sans the Malfoy family where having a blast, shook vigorously. While it shook, some screamed, some pulled out their wands, some went towards the basement door while trying not to fall and roll around and some were too drunk to even notice the earthquake.

Down in the basement, the two newcomers had managed to awaken Draco, who was now trying desperately to get out of the fight between the two. The blonde yelled at the pale man about blasting him apart and the pale man cursed back with something about sacrifice and religion.

Draco started his prayers when the pale man pulled out a three bladed sword and the blonde pulled out a clay statue out of thin air. The boy prayed for someone to save him. He wouldn't care if Potter saved his arse right now (no matter how much of a wishful thinking it was).

"I'll fucking kill you blondie! And I'll fucking kill Kakuzu for this!"

"Fuck you Hidan! I'll blow you up into bits, yeah!"

The _Hidan_ man laughed like a maniac. The _blondie_ joined his hands together.

Draco was cursing all the Death Eaters who were in the room above him for not coming to save his arse.

Meanwhile, the shaking had stopped. The older Malfoy and his wife ran towards the basement but was prevented by the strong barrier put up by the Dark Lord himself. Lucius Malfoy bounced back and crashed into Narcissa's favourite statue.

"DO SOMETHING!" Lucius roared, fearfully yes but still his love for his son's life was greater.

Narcissa sobbed as she yelled for Draco. That would be a vain effort as the barrier also provided as a silencing field. Nothing could be exchanged in and out the basement. Literally nothing.

Voldemort sure was a genius. Ahem, I mean cruel dictator.

While the Death Eaters were all confused and stuff and one made an intelligent(sarcasm) decision by summoning the Dark Lord, Hidan and blondie were more than ready to blow up the entire place and rip each other to shreads.

Draco couldn't take it anymore. He shut his eyes as the blondie spoke.

"Katsu!"

 _BOOM!_

Art was really a bang... and flying Death Eaters, shattering of expensive decorative, smashing of silverwares and nearly the total destruction of the Manor.

* * *

 ** _A/N_**

 _I felt really sadistic when I wrote this. I think I have a problem. Give me reviews (zombie voice) while I go and get myself checked._

 _P.S. I haven't really edited this chapter (cuz I was excited to put it up) so it might have errors. Forgive me for I am not an Uchiha. I'll make a better third chapter._

 _Author out!_


	3. Kakuzu's Plan

_**DISCLAIMER: I don't think I own any of these brilliant characters. But I want to.**_

 _ **A/N:**_ This chapter is a bit sucky (is that even a word?) and I will apologise for it at the beginning so that you will not be able to say I wrote bad or _think_ I wrote bad. It happens sometimes to everyone. At least I didn't write in a Twilight style right? (Twilight fans- GOMENNASAI!)

* * *

Pein wanted to strangle someone. But he couldn't because he was known for his calm and calculating nature. He had a reputation like the Uchiha prodigy- to make his enemies "shiver in their boots" (more like sandals).

So the man bit down his urge and gave Kakuzu a "look" that roughly translated to 'I-dunno-what-you-were-thinking-but-you-better-clean-up-your-mess-or-else-I'll-kill-you-and-turn-you-into-one-of-my-own-bodies'.

Kakuzu, the stubborn shinobi, returned his own look to the orange haired leader. His 'look' roughly translated to 'Fuck you. I'd like to see you try.'

Konan decided she didn't like the 'look' the two were giving each other and intervened.

"Which dimension did the cabinet teleported the two?"

Pein didn't blink nor did Kakuzu when the latter answered.

"I don't know."

The other members were trying to listen to the conversation taking place in Leader- sama's office. The door was closed so they could only make out a few mumbled words. Itachi had activated his sharingan but it seemed stupid as it didn't exactly heighten his hearing capacity. Kisame had tried to slip himself into the room inside Samahada but Pein threw out the sword before closing the door. Sasori was polishing his puppet without the care in the world.

Inside the room, the temperature was rising. Pein didn't understand why he was the only antagonist to have a bunch of abnormal idoits. Sure they were strong and all but really.

One was a religious freak with a mouth of a sailor. One loved to blow up stuff in the name of art. One was an emo who terrorised his own comrades with that bloody eye power. One was a talking shark- a blue talking shark. One was a sadistic romantic who stole the hearts of other shinobi (kawai! romantic huh?) to increase his own lifespan (*gasp* sadist!). One was a black and white venus fly trap who tried to eat everything around him. One was a puppet obsessed with eternal beauty.

He was the only sane person. And Konan. Yes. The two of them were the only normal ones. (Even though if you asked Konan, she'd probably add Pein to the list.)

Kakuzu was now getting a bit uncomfortable with Pein's staring as the latter had changed his 'look' to roughly translate as 'Konan will now slowly shred you to pieces and rip _your_ heart out and eat it out like the Khaleesi'. Sure enough, the blue haired woman did not look satisfied with his answer.

"I have the scroll here. Bikuzi said the cabinet only teleported to its twin."

Konan had her origami papers bring the scroll to her. She opened the scroll and read its contents.

"It's a sealing jutsu. Not a teleportation or a summoning jutsu."

Kakuzu gave her a blank look. "I know."

Konan narrowed her eyes at the Taki nin. Meanwhile, Pein was enjoying (mentally) Kakuzu's uncomfortness.

"I mean, yes. It's a sealing jutsu. The jutsu seals the object or in our case, humans, in the cabinet. The rest is done on the other side."

"Other side?" Pein asked, mildly interested.

"Hai. Someone summons the objects in the cabinet to its twin cabinet. Whoever has the cabinet has Hidan and Deidara."

A silence followed.

Outside, Itachi was eating dangos having long given up on listening to the conversation outside. Sasori had placed himself inside Hiriku and was doing who knows what inside. Kisame was nowhere to be seen.

Inside, the silence continued, each thinking about the same thing.

Pein broke the silence by questioning Kakuzu.

"So how do we find out who has the other cabinet?"

Kakuzu who had started scratching his nail paint ignored the question. Or at least Pein thought he did. In actuality, Kakuzu's old age hearing problem was finally starting to show.

"I asked you something Kakuzu." Pein stated calmly.

"Kakuzu?" Konan called him out.

Pein's patience wore thin as he threw a paper weight at Kakuzu's head. But it didn't hit him on the head.

"Wha...!" Kakuzu crouched down (forgetting he was a ninja) as the paper weight hit the door behind him.

Itachi and Sasori jumped at the sound, both immediately took a fighting stance. When they figured the noise came from Pein's office, both acted as if they didn't have a mini heart- attack just then.

"Uchiha pride" and "fazed by nothing Sasori". *dramatic eye roll*

Kakuzu glared at the orange haired man who took a long breath.

"I asked you a question. Who has the other cabinet?"

"You don't have to try and kill me. You can ask nicely, sheesh! Just because you are the Leader and everything doesn't mean you can be rude and stuck up arse! I mean, I am old and have to handle five hearts! You want me to die of five heart attacks? You mean Leader!"

Kona bit back a giggle as Pein looked very uncomfortable. It wasn't his intention to hurt Kakuzu's feelings (not that he knew any actually existed).

"I-I am sorry Kakuzu. I didn't mean to sound rude but you were not responding and I-"

Kakuzu cut off Pein's rant.

"I was kidding. Geez, just because I am old doesn't mean I can't play around. And for you to fall for a simple trick... You, Mr. Leader, need to loosen up." He grinned under his mask. "By the way, I was ignoring you. And to answer your question, I guess we'll just have to find out the same way."

Pein would have smashed Kakuzu's face had it not been for Konan's papers binding his hands.

Kakuzu looked smug.

 _Hidan's rubbing off on him_ Konan thought.

"Find out the same way? You mean teleport to where they are?" She asked while glaring at Pein who was trying to rip her papers.

As angry as he was, Pein gave up trying as he valued his balls more than Kakuzu's smashed face.

"Yes." the stitch-nin replied. A thoughtful look and then he added, "We need to take the scroll to where every they are and teleport them back here."

"And how do you suggest we do that?" Pein barked, still pissed.

"Don't worry, I have an idea."

The treasurer opened the door to Pein's office and was greeted by Hiriku and Itachi.

"Get you partner." He told Itachi as he opened the door wide enough for Sasori to enter.


End file.
